Three one-act monologues - Dave's Lunchtime Dos and Don'ts, Brian Meets His Match and Fiona's Functions - linked together by the themes of office politics, desire, control, loneliness and isolation.

  • black comedy, drama
  • 90
  • 3 total
  • 1 female identifying, 2 male identifying
  • 18+
  • adult
  • Australian Script Centre


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Male | 30s | 5 to 10 minutes
Starts on page 10

EXTRACT: Brendan from Accounts thinks I'm playing with fire. I think I'm playing with putrid old putty that's gone hard 'round the edges. Brendan says, "Dave tries it on with all the new members of staff." I say, "Do I detect a hint of jealousy Brendan?" And he goes back to his accounts. Goes very quiet. Brendan is a loner with red hair who has squirrelled away a small fortune through creative accounting, shrewd investments and never having sex. Personally, I think he masturbates a lot.

Adult themes


Male | 30s | under 3 minutes
Starts on page 22

EXTRACT: I'm not fazed by human sexuality. Is my behaviour the behaviour of a prude? How prudish was it of me to lure him to the park and try and blackmail him? He's paid $45, plus tip, and for that he got to touch my hand, my shoulder, my back. I've listened to what was basically a confession about sleeping with underage boys in Thailand, didn't I? Did I? I didn't flinch. I didn't. I acted like he's just told me he'd bought a fucking Toyota. Uptight? Up tight? He's had bargain basement sexual harassment...ungrateful old cunt..

Adult themes, Adult language


Male | 30s | 5 to 10 minutes
Starts on page 25

EXTRACT: Awkward pause. Straight man looking at gay piss fetishist. Office workers frozen. Phones ringing. Fax machine out of paper. Simon says, "I have no idea who that is." Brian says, "I used to work with him at Parliament House." Casually applies some cherry-flavoured lip-gloss. The shaved head, the department store clothing, the suburban smell. The ugliness. Well, Brian is gay. A mole. The Nancy Wake of the limited edition prints industry. It's like he's seen us naked, and for all we know he has.

Adult themes, Adult language

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